Live 2015 – the end of the year

It’s December.

Already.

 

The older I get, the faster the time goes by.  Last year it was around this time that I began thinking about having one word for 2015, one word that I would focus on and try to make my mantra for the year.

So #Live2015 was born.

I even had a pinterest board (still have it) dedicated to it.  😉  So, you know, it’s official.

 

It’s funny, really, how having something that is your ‘thing’ for the year actually does work.

This year was not easy.  This year was probably one of my most difficult on record, in particular ways (not overall).  It was painful and bitter and angry.

There was grief.  Grief that couldn’t be explained, that I couldn’t make someone understand if I tried.  Grief for something that was inanimate but tangible.  Something that had been lost.

The grief is still raw.  To think about it still saddens me.  No… saddens isn’t good enough.  The pit in my chest I feel is so much more than sadness.  I would think I was fine only to have something else set off a chain reaction of emotions.

If the 5 stages of grief apply to situations like these, I’m probably in Step 4.  So… not much farther now, right?  🙂

 

In other areas, I feel like my brain has turned off a bit.  Somehow my personality is one that loves to be ‘out there’ – I love to participate in things, to talk with people, to have fun… but at the same time, sometimes I don’t say much at all.  I often find that in situations of a spiritual nature, I don’t say much.  I stay quiet.  Which, compared to a time of sitting with me talking about something else, is something.  I can’t really explain why I don’t say anything.

It’s like my brain literally just doesn’t have anything to say.  We go through questions, sometimes, and I literally can not find an answer to any one of them.  I just sit and smile and nod and go home and wonder if there’s something wrong with me because – for real – how can I never have anything to say?

I listen to people talk about things in their lives that stress them out and I rarely chime in.

My brain just doesn’t turn on.  I listen.  I often don’t have any advice because it’s outside my realm of experience.

Then I feel like, if everyone has things that stress them out, what are mine?  And I try to think of something.  Because, for pity’s sake, there has to be something.  *I* know, absolutely, without a doubt, that my life is NOT 100% perfect or un-stressful.

But I can’t ever think of these things.  Instead I leave and wonder…. Ugh… I wish I could think of something to say!!  I hope people don’t think I think my life is perfect or something…

Hmm.

I read that as I’m typing and I’m like, ‘people’?

Since when?

Since when does it matter what people think?

Note to self:  It doesn’t.

(though I do still wish I could think of things to say!)

(***As I read through this before posting, it was the first time I realized that perhaps the second problem here is due to the first.  Perhaps because of the year, and the things I’ve been working through, I have not had as much to say about other things.  These things aren’t really things I talk about – I’ve spoken of them, very briefly, with very few friends.  Perhaps a day will come when I’ll share all my thoughts… all the things that go through my head when different scenarios come up, when different things happen.  But not this day.  🙂  Which I’m okay with; and I’m comforted by the thought that maybe – just maybe – as grief lessens, other things will expand and I’ll feel more a part of conversations again.)

 

But.

 

But… despite all that.

Because, remember, to live doesn’t mean everything is beautiful and pleasant and that it’s all fairies and rainbows and unicorns.  Living is living, day in and day out.

I have not had an unhappy year.  I have not had a year where I forgot to live.  I’ve lived this year.

I’ve lived daily.

I’ve gotten through a semester of school and I still look forward to it every day.  I look forward to life every. single. day.

My close friends have become closer.

I’ve embraced the life that I live and the role that I have.

 

This is my story.

My life.

And I’m actually living it.

 

I didn’t make any big goals this year.  Nothing huge to give me something massive to work toward.  There have been many other times where that is the case, but at the same time to find me would be to find someone looking, reaching, trying to find whatever it is that’s next.  Never content in the here and now.

But now…I am.

There were things that I planned on that I didn’t get accomplished.  But even then the times that I spent in preparation for them that was worth it.  My 5k was rained out and I never did get signed up for another.  But what a time we had, getting ready (though, let’s be real, saying we were ‘ready’ is a bit of a stretch!) for it — and what an experience being pelted with rain that was so heavy I wondered if it was hail?!

We lived.

 

At the same time, I know the year – though in it’s final scenes – is not yet at the end credits.

Still to come we have the darkest days of the year.  Followed – intertwined, really – with the brightness of Christmas.

 

I will keep on with living in 2015.  We’ve almost made it to the end.  And what a beautiful year it’s been.

 

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